Deja vu all over again

Last year, in the middle of July, I decided to do an Excedrin detox. It was a miserable 50 days. If I had known then what I know now about the first 6-8 months after sugar detox, I would never have tried to do that then.

However, I'm currently 8 days into another Excedrin detox, and feel fantastic. I'm learning that it's my fear of pain that drives me to take something, not actual pain. I feel a twinge in my head and automatically think--this is it, big headache, gotta take something now. I've only had one even minor headache, during moderately bad weather this weekend.

I've still got a long way to go to do 90 days (which seems to be the recommended timeframe to do these things in), but it's so nice not to wake up every morning fearing how I'm going to feel that I'm willing to put in the time, no matter what happens.

Wish me luck.

Given up

I've been thinking a lot lately about my sugar recovery program, and reflecting on all the things that have changed. So I thought I would list all the things I've given up over the course of the 7 steps, and the list I came up with is pretty amazing. It touches on every facet of my life, and makes me realize just how much has changed.

Here's what I've given up in giving up sugar:

• Anxiety
  
• Depression
  
• PMS
  
• Crazy thoughts
  
• Self-loathing
  
• Worry about my weight and how my body looks
  
• Feeling done-to
  
• Crying constantly out of sheer frustration at the perversity of the universe
  
• Anger at the unfairness of the world
  
• Feeling apart from the world
  
• Not feeling totally human, feeling like The Other in every situation
  
• Feeling isolated and inadequate
  
• Feeling overwhelmed
  
• Taking everything that happened personally
  
• Cravings, especially for sugary and fatty things
  
• Hiding my "special" foods, and feeling panicked if my chocolate supply dropped down too low
  
• Bingeing on sugar and processed carbs
  
• Being overwhelmed by other people's pain
  
• Having an incredibly low pain threshold
  
• Feeling the need for The Drama, and unconsciously looking for *any* way to create it
  
• Always waiting for the other shoe to drop
  
• Always expecting the worst
  
• Being afraid of my emotions
  
• Blurring my emotions with food
  

Coming to an end

No, not me, don't worry.

I'm just realizing how sad I'm feeling that the last days of my dream job are finally upon me. The last update from my team of our database product is a week away, and then it's over. I'm busily editing records today, and trying not to burst into tears.

I look ahead, and I see some good things coming down the road. I'm going to be learning Sharepoint to some degree, and will be involved in the development of a "knowledge portal" (whatever the hell that really means). But overall the picture is pretty grim. What I know about my day-to-day tasks makes me flinch in anticipatory boredom.

I keep thinking whether I really want to spend half of each of my weekdays doing this job. It has a lot of advantages on the benefits side: I'm working part-time and making a full-time salary, my schedule is almost infinitely flexible, and I've got one of the last pensions on the planet. But it's still half my life going to, being bored by, and coming home from a job I no longer love.

I know the answer: start looking for a better job. And I have been, halfheartedly. And I'll continue to.

But right now, I'm just mourning. Again.