I'm finding out in all sorts of odd ways just how blocked all my energy has been, creative and otherwise.
I've been assiduously avoiding a bunch of projects at work, one of which (for various reasons, some of which are clearly my fault) has dragged on since December of 2004. This week I've gotten inspired to dive in to all of them, and finally clear the way for other things.
It's amazing how much energy I've been spending avoiding things that simply had to be done. And once done, or at least started, could be put away not waste any more energy.
I've also started going to bed a half hour later. I know, big deal, right? But it has made an enormous difference, both physical & psychological. Just to know that I can stay up that late is an enormous mood boost. But the more surprising result is that I'm waking up in a much better part of my sleep cycle, so I'm not being jolted from dream sleep to blearily face the world. I can't tell you how many mornings I've sat on the edge of my bed trying not to sob after being dragged out of deep sleep.
This is *much* better.
And in the gift of 30 minutes, I've found time to start seriously working through my Lifewriting course; to start journaling; to start working through an Inner Organizer, which is a really cool sort of focused journal/datebook for the spiritual side.
I can feel the bonds of my Block loosening, and am suddenly remembering just how it felt when I was writing fiction everyday. I remember the joy of struggling with the words, of planning the path of the story, of finishing something and putting it in mail, even of getting a rejection slip and sending the story right back out.
Wow. Joy - what a concept.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Body for Life Week 7 Version 2: Again?
This week, I caught one of the minor plagues going around the office, and while I only missed one day of work, I was completely wiped out. No energy. I've slept more this week than I have in years, and only today am I feeling vaguely human again.
So week 7 went by the wayside again. I'll try again this week, and see what happens.
So week 7 went by the wayside again. I'll try again this week, and see what happens.
Monday, February 20, 2006
It's never what you expect, but it always works out
So this was the weekend of Hubby's & my big anniversary get-away. "Go-awry" would probably be a better description.
Poor Hubby came down with one of his world-beating coughs about Wednesday of last week. When he gets a cough, he really suffers, to the point where I often worry that he's going to discorporate in the middle of a coughing fit. So I helped stuff him full of herbal remedies, and hoped for the best.
We went ahead and checked into the hotel room Friday night. I got there first, since I worked at home that morning. I knew we were in trouble when I got into the hallway outside our room and noticed the cleaning chemical smell. That's never good.
Our room was even worse, but I hoped the air would clear as the evening passed. I cranked up the portable air cleaner I'd brought, and hoped for the best.
The hotel cable didn't have SciFi channel, so we trekked home to watch SciFi Friday, then came back to the hotel and spent the night. We awoke to a lovely room service breakfast, then later wandered over to the Harbor to get spicy noodle bowls at Thai Noodle in the Light Street Pavilion. I was hoping that the fiery broth would help with Hubby's cough and with the ragged edge of migraine I was facing.
Once we got back to the room, we had a wonderful talk about our health, what we wanted to accomplish this year, what we'd need to do to achieve our plans, and whether we really wanted to spend one more minute in our chemical-laden room.
Needless to say, we packed up and left.
Our anniversary day was spent in our house, in our PJs, with a lot of head-holding and Excedrin, herbal remedies and cough suppressant, and a surprisingly small amount of whining.
Not quite what we had in mind, but not a bad weekend even so. We reconnected in a way I hadn't anticipated, and it was (and still is) wonderful.
We'll pick another weekend when it's not so cold and we both feel better and go do the things we didn't get done this weekend.
It's all good.
Poor Hubby came down with one of his world-beating coughs about Wednesday of last week. When he gets a cough, he really suffers, to the point where I often worry that he's going to discorporate in the middle of a coughing fit. So I helped stuff him full of herbal remedies, and hoped for the best.
We went ahead and checked into the hotel room Friday night. I got there first, since I worked at home that morning. I knew we were in trouble when I got into the hallway outside our room and noticed the cleaning chemical smell. That's never good.
Our room was even worse, but I hoped the air would clear as the evening passed. I cranked up the portable air cleaner I'd brought, and hoped for the best.
The hotel cable didn't have SciFi channel, so we trekked home to watch SciFi Friday, then came back to the hotel and spent the night. We awoke to a lovely room service breakfast, then later wandered over to the Harbor to get spicy noodle bowls at Thai Noodle in the Light Street Pavilion. I was hoping that the fiery broth would help with Hubby's cough and with the ragged edge of migraine I was facing.
Once we got back to the room, we had a wonderful talk about our health, what we wanted to accomplish this year, what we'd need to do to achieve our plans, and whether we really wanted to spend one more minute in our chemical-laden room.
Needless to say, we packed up and left.
Our anniversary day was spent in our house, in our PJs, with a lot of head-holding and Excedrin, herbal remedies and cough suppressant, and a surprisingly small amount of whining.
Not quite what we had in mind, but not a bad weekend even so. We reconnected in a way I hadn't anticipated, and it was (and still is) wonderful.
We'll pick another weekend when it's not so cold and we both feel better and go do the things we didn't get done this weekend.
It's all good.
Body for Life Week 7: Illusion
There was no week 7. It was all in your imagination. Week 7 really starts today. I swear. Would I lie to you?
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Pain lies on the riverside
If I want to stop struggling with everything, all I have to do is one thing: Let go.
Let go of the fear, let go of the tension, just let go of all the negativity and of the expectations.
But what lies on the other side of letting go?
Everything.
All I have to do is dive in.
Let go of the fear, let go of the tension, just let go of all the negativity and of the expectations.
But what lies on the other side of letting go?
Everything.
All I have to do is dive in.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Forgetting what I'm lacking, completely incomplete
I'm at a major tipping point in my life, which may account for my crabbiness on Monday.
I want to have time to market and expand my business. I need to have time to do creative things, like write (more than the little bit I do here), take pictures, make other art.
I like my job, or more accurately, I like the people I work with. At the moment, my actual job is an exercise in frustration. I have way too much to do, and none of it is particularly interesting or challenging. I’m getting tired of the attitudes of my place of employment, to the point where I’m almost hoping to get laid off.
But I do like the money I’m making – so there’s one bit of tension.
And I don’t particularly mind my commute – 1 hour each way on the train, plus a little more getting from home to train station, and from train station to workplace, then reverse that in the evening. It works out to be 3-hour commute all told each day, and a 12-hour day overall. What I do mind is that I’m so exhausted at the end of the day that I sleep on the train on the way home, struggle (as you well know by now) to make myself workout even half the time, then struggle even more (and fail even more) to find creative energy.
So I’m torn. Do I try to find a job closer to home, one that saves me time and commuting energy, but probably doesn’t make as much? Do I follow my heart and try to make my side business a full-time job? With as little energy as I have now, can I survive the transition to making my business full-time, knowing that I’ll essentially be working two full-time jobs during that process?
Do I stop worrying about money altogether, and quit and find a job at Starbucks?
I’m terrified at all the choices. If I stay at my job, even just long enough to make the business fly, I risk collapse from total exhaustion. And what if I can’t drum up enough clients to make the business fly? After all, I’m terrified of marketing. I’ve been running this business on the side for almost 5 years with only one client, because I can’t get past the fear of going out and selling myself. What if I take a job closer to home, and hate it?
What if, what if, what if? I’m boring myself with all the fear.
So this is my challenge to myself: start marketing. Deal with that fear first. Spend the rest of February revamping my web site and other promotional materials, then spend March making a list of potential clients and start getting my name out there. Even if I fail miserably, at least I’ll know I got out there and tried.
So here I go …
I want to have time to market and expand my business. I need to have time to do creative things, like write (more than the little bit I do here), take pictures, make other art.
I like my job, or more accurately, I like the people I work with. At the moment, my actual job is an exercise in frustration. I have way too much to do, and none of it is particularly interesting or challenging. I’m getting tired of the attitudes of my place of employment, to the point where I’m almost hoping to get laid off.
But I do like the money I’m making – so there’s one bit of tension.
And I don’t particularly mind my commute – 1 hour each way on the train, plus a little more getting from home to train station, and from train station to workplace, then reverse that in the evening. It works out to be 3-hour commute all told each day, and a 12-hour day overall. What I do mind is that I’m so exhausted at the end of the day that I sleep on the train on the way home, struggle (as you well know by now) to make myself workout even half the time, then struggle even more (and fail even more) to find creative energy.
So I’m torn. Do I try to find a job closer to home, one that saves me time and commuting energy, but probably doesn’t make as much? Do I follow my heart and try to make my side business a full-time job? With as little energy as I have now, can I survive the transition to making my business full-time, knowing that I’ll essentially be working two full-time jobs during that process?
Do I stop worrying about money altogether, and quit and find a job at Starbucks?
I’m terrified at all the choices. If I stay at my job, even just long enough to make the business fly, I risk collapse from total exhaustion. And what if I can’t drum up enough clients to make the business fly? After all, I’m terrified of marketing. I’ve been running this business on the side for almost 5 years with only one client, because I can’t get past the fear of going out and selling myself. What if I take a job closer to home, and hate it?
What if, what if, what if? I’m boring myself with all the fear.
So this is my challenge to myself: start marketing. Deal with that fear first. Spend the rest of February revamping my web site and other promotional materials, then spend March making a list of potential clients and start getting my name out there. Even if I fail miserably, at least I’ll know I got out there and tried.
So here I go …
And now I can die even happier
Don't worry, it's not another mink body-part cover.
John Kricfalusi, creator of Ren & Stimpy, has his own blog.
Happy happy joy joy ...
John Kricfalusi, creator of Ren & Stimpy, has his own blog.
Happy happy joy joy ...
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
A Valentine's Day thanks
Given that it's Valentine's Day, and since we usually don't do much to celebrate because our anniversary follows so closely behind, I just want to take a moment to say just how grateful I am to my husband for all the years we've had together.
He's loved me when I was unlovable, stuck with me when any sane man would have run screaming, seen the promise of something good in me that I never knew was there. He's helped me be a better person, and to know that the better person was the real me all along.
He's been there with hugs and tissues, and thwaps upside my figurative head when needed. He's put up with more than anyone should ever have to, and still loves me.
Thanks, sweetheart, for everything. You're my miracle, and I'm grateful every day for you.
He's loved me when I was unlovable, stuck with me when any sane man would have run screaming, seen the promise of something good in me that I never knew was there. He's helped me be a better person, and to know that the better person was the real me all along.
He's been there with hugs and tissues, and thwaps upside my figurative head when needed. He's put up with more than anyone should ever have to, and still loves me.
Thanks, sweetheart, for everything. You're my miracle, and I'm grateful every day for you.
And now I can die happy ...
because I've seen everything:
A vintage hand-made mink penis cozy.
(shamelessly borrowed from Boing Boing)
A vintage hand-made mink penis cozy.
(shamelessly borrowed from Boing Boing)
Better today
It seems I was actually channelling a friend's hideous, horrible, nasty day yesterday, which explains why I was so disproportionately pissy. Always good to know the reason ...
Monday, February 13, 2006
Body for Life Week 6: Attack of the sofa slugs
Oh, what a wasted week. I got a major case of the lazies, and only worked out three times. I wouldn't mind so much if I'd actually accomplished something other than deepening the ass groove on my side of the couch.
I'm writing this one off and moving on.
Week 7 will be even more of a challenge: Hubby & I are going away this weekend (did I mention it's our 20th?), so I have to cram 6 workouts into way too few days. But our plan is to walk around some Baltimore neighborhoods that we haven't been through before (OK, so we're not going very *far* away ...), so that should count for some aerobics.
I just want to recapture the enthusiasm I had at the beginning of this process. Or figure out a way to be excited about working out after getting home from a 12-hour day ...
Blech. Read previous post.
I'm writing this one off and moving on.
Week 7 will be even more of a challenge: Hubby & I are going away this weekend (did I mention it's our 20th?), so I have to cram 6 workouts into way too few days. But our plan is to walk around some Baltimore neighborhoods that we haven't been through before (OK, so we're not going very *far* away ...), so that should count for some aerobics.
I just want to recapture the enthusiasm I had at the beginning of this process. Or figure out a way to be excited about working out after getting home from a 12-hour day ...
Blech. Read previous post.
Cranky bitch
I'm in a foul, foul mood today. 16 inches of snow on my front lawn and I had to go do work today. What does it take to get a snow day?
There's more to it than that, but that'll do for a start.
There's more to it than that, but that'll do for a start.
Monday, February 06, 2006
Geek Buddhism
There are times when I utterly adore my husband.
One of those times came this weekend when I was cleaning out my office, and ran across my Compassion Box. This is a package deal of the book Start Where You Are by Pema Chodron (a Buddhist nun) and a pack of 59 slogan cards which are part of the mind training process described in the book.
I wanted to get started using them again, since I'm trying hard to restart my spiritual practices. I also really wanted an easy way to pick a random number to help me pick a card each day, and it needed to be something I could do easily from my office, without a need for computers or an Internet connection. (Long gone are the days when I would simply have programmed my Texas Instruments statistical calculator as a random number generator; that was high school.)
Bless my husband the Consummate Gamer (TM), who came up with the perfect solution: a 6-sided die for the tens digit (the 6 being the "0", for 1-9), and a 10-sided die for the ones digit.
Yep, utterly adore him, my beloved geek.
One of those times came this weekend when I was cleaning out my office, and ran across my Compassion Box. This is a package deal of the book Start Where You Are by Pema Chodron (a Buddhist nun) and a pack of 59 slogan cards which are part of the mind training process described in the book.
I wanted to get started using them again, since I'm trying hard to restart my spiritual practices. I also really wanted an easy way to pick a random number to help me pick a card each day, and it needed to be something I could do easily from my office, without a need for computers or an Internet connection. (Long gone are the days when I would simply have programmed my Texas Instruments statistical calculator as a random number generator; that was high school.)
Bless my husband the Consummate Gamer (TM), who came up with the perfect solution: a 6-sided die for the tens digit (the 6 being the "0", for 1-9), and a 10-sided die for the ones digit.
Yep, utterly adore him, my beloved geek.
Body for Life Week 5: Chugging along
I'm much more excited about the potential of starting week 6 than I am interested in talking about week 5, but here's a little glimpse, anyway.
The weather doomed this week from the start; I get migraines whenever the barometer shifts sharply in either direction, and fronts with stiff wind and rain are an accompanying trigger. So I spent a lot of this week living with my pals Excedrin and soda, trying to take the edge off the pain.
I missed two workouts, but did pretty well with the diet. I had two more days where I came very close to hitting the WW points mark, while eating in the 6-meal BFL pattern. A trip to the grocery store this weekend to lay in more supplies will help for the coming week.
I can't believe I'm almost halfway through this program. I'm hoping this week will be the best yet.
The weather doomed this week from the start; I get migraines whenever the barometer shifts sharply in either direction, and fronts with stiff wind and rain are an accompanying trigger. So I spent a lot of this week living with my pals Excedrin and soda, trying to take the edge off the pain.
I missed two workouts, but did pretty well with the diet. I had two more days where I came very close to hitting the WW points mark, while eating in the 6-meal BFL pattern. A trip to the grocery store this weekend to lay in more supplies will help for the coming week.
I can't believe I'm almost halfway through this program. I'm hoping this week will be the best yet.
Saturday, February 04, 2006
High goo alert
Hubby's & my 20th wedding anniversary is coming up in a couple of weeks, and I feel it's only fair to warn you that I'm going to be posting some (what I hope will be) insanely romantic posts between now and then, some really gooey stuff.
Feel free to avert your eyes; this should all be over by the end of the month. :)
Feel free to avert your eyes; this should all be over by the end of the month. :)
Thursday, February 02, 2006
The red and the black
I think this may be the first time I've had my wardrobe determined ahead of time by social causes.
I'll be wearing black tomorrow to honor Coretta Scott King. And I'll be wearing red for National Wear Red Day, for women's heart health.
Of course, I'm feeling a little bit like a Blue Oyster Cult song:
I'll be wearing black tomorrow to honor Coretta Scott King. And I'll be wearing red for National Wear Red Day, for women's heart health.
Of course, I'm feeling a little bit like a Blue Oyster Cult song:
Canadian mounted baby, a police force that works
Red and black, that's their color scheme ...
No, I didn't forget the exercise
Yes, I'm definitely off to ride my exerbike, after a dinner at Chipotle (split with Hubby, so fewer points there than you might think) and a yummy snack ...
It's all good.
It's all good.
In deep chocolate now ...
Oh dear, I'm in big trouble. I read a blurb in Real Simple for chocolate products by a company called CocoaVia, and succumbed to the temptation to order some goodies.
These are supposed to be healthier chocolates, because their process doesn't destroy the antioxidants or flavonoids or whatever it is that makes chocolate so good for your heart.
The web site requires a $30 minimum order, which I almost balked at, but I'm soooo glad I didn't. The order came shipped in a box that contained a foam cooler with cool-packs.
No wonder they want you to spend so much.
And the chocolate ... Oh, serious yummmmm. I blew my points a little ways out of the water to have one of the chocolate blueberry crunch bars (ok, only 2 points - not so bad in the scheme of things). Heaven.
I also bought chocolate-covered almonds, chocolate-almond crunch bars, and crispy chocolate bars. Everything my little PMS-y heart could desire.
Boy, am I in trouble!
These are supposed to be healthier chocolates, because their process doesn't destroy the antioxidants or flavonoids or whatever it is that makes chocolate so good for your heart.
The web site requires a $30 minimum order, which I almost balked at, but I'm soooo glad I didn't. The order came shipped in a box that contained a foam cooler with cool-packs.
No wonder they want you to spend so much.
And the chocolate ... Oh, serious yummmmm. I blew my points a little ways out of the water to have one of the chocolate blueberry crunch bars (ok, only 2 points - not so bad in the scheme of things). Heaven.
I also bought chocolate-covered almonds, chocolate-almond crunch bars, and crispy chocolate bars. Everything my little PMS-y heart could desire.
Boy, am I in trouble!
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
One day down
Today it finally all came together. I ate my BFL-prescribed 6 meals per day. I carefully balanced my carbs & protein. I managed to eat these 6 meals without going over my Weight Watchers point allotment. I even managed to do a 45-minute weight workout.
There's one day done.
Hoping for more of the same tomorrow, I've packed my breakfast and my snacks for the day. Shorter workout tomorrow, so that should help keep the flow going.
One day down. Keep it going.
There's one day done.
Hoping for more of the same tomorrow, I've packed my breakfast and my snacks for the day. Shorter workout tomorrow, so that should help keep the flow going.
One day down. Keep it going.
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